He hadn't come, nor had he sent a letter. All she could do was wait-and just keep waiting.
The landline was only available in the Haveli, and she wasn't allowed to go there. In these three weeks, she had truly come to understand what helplessness meant.
Only two days remained before her exams, but she couldn't focus. All she wanted was to know where he was, to hear from him.
For every girl who falls in love, especially someone who has never known love or affection, the ages of seventeen and eighteen are the cruelest, filled with yearning and heartbreak. He had given her everything, and now she regretted coming here. Perhaps if she were at the Haveli, they would have had more time together. Perhaps she could have spoken to him on their landline.
The exams were long forgotten. Today, Rafia was coming to visit with Ahmed. She had heard that Raza's parents weren't allowing her to visit her own home.
This is how cruel the world can be-how can one deny a girl the right to her own house, where she was born and raised, only to become a guest there after marriage?
Behlaaj and his wife had taunted Rafia's parents, saying, "Kya pata ye bhi waha jaaye aur reh jaaye. Bhai sahab, humari toh jitni izzat bachi hai sab khatam ho jayegi..."
(Who knows, she might go there and end up staying. Brother, whatever respect we have left will be gone...)
Rafia was her mother's pride, and she begged Behlaaj to let her daughter visit for just a day. Ahmed despised all of this; he hated this oppressive environment and culture of his family. The people who had brought his wife into this world were now pleading to see her, and Rafia was oblivious to it all. Behlaaj and his wife were always pleased with their elder daughter-in-law, showering her with love and care.
In this past month, Ahmed had taken Rafia to Lucknow, Agra, and even Ajmer, filling her with joy, though she felt a constant sadness for her sister.
Rafia arrived at her parents' house, dressed in a rich maroon outfit adorned with jewelry, her eyes gleaming with happiness. Halima peeked out from the window and ran outside as her parents embraced Rafia, her mother showering her face with kisses and tears.
Rafia's eyes filled with tears as she told her mother not to cry. Then she spotted Halima standing there, wearing a light green dress with a dupatta wrapped around her. But one look into Halima's eyes made Rafia's heart sink-they were empty, devoid of any spark. Rafia gulped, walking over to her, guilt washing over her as she thought that maybe she had made a mistake. Perhaps if she hadn't supported Halima back then, then Halima and Raza would have been there with her.
She stood in front of her, and Halima stepped forward, wrapping her arms around her tightly, sobbing. Rafia held her close, and tears streamed down her face as well.
Later, they all gathered in the living room, with Ahmed seated beside Rafia as they talked about their trip. Halima stood in the corner, and then quietly went to the kitchen to make tea for everyone. She served them, and Rafia noticed how weak and unhappy she looked.
"Baccha, aao baitho mere saath," Rafia invited her, patting the seat beside her.
(Come, child, sit with me.)
Halima smiled faintly, shaking her head. "Do din baad imtehaan hai. Mai kamre mein jaa kar padh lu?" she asked, more of a declaration than a request.
(The exams are in two days. May I go study in my room?)
Rafia blinked, noting how mature she seemed, when Ahmed spoke up, "Halima, padhne ke liye tumhare paas bohot waqt hai. Thodi der baitho toh sahi, behen kitne dinon baad aayi hai."
(Halima, you have plenty of time to study. Sit for a bit; your sister is here after so long.)
Halima forced a smile and sat beside Rafia silently. Rafia took her hand, and Halima looked down at their entwined fingers. The gesture reminded her of Raza, and she lowered her gaze, trying to hold back her tears.
Rafia leaned closer, whispering, "Kal subah fajar ke waqt Haveli aa sakti ho?"
(Can you come to the Haveli at dawn tomorrow?)
Halima's eyes shot up in surprise. "Kyu?" she asked, her voice trembling.
(Why?)
"Raza ka phone aaya tha aaj. Tumhe lekar bohot pareshan tha, tumse baat karna chahta hai. Mujhe kaha ki fajar ke waqt wo telephone karega." Rafia explained.
(Raza called today. He's been worried about you, wants to speak to you. He told me he'll call at dawn.)
Halima's ears started to ring. She could barely hear what others were saying; it was as if her senses had shut down. Her lips went dry as her heart began to race. Everyone was laughing, talking, but she felt suffocated. She slowly got up, saying to Rafia, "I need to drink some water..."
Rafia nodded, watching her as she walked away.
After drinking, Halima went to her room. Closing her eyes, she felt the weight on her heart grow heavier with each breath, struggling not to break down.
"Raza..." she whispered, her voice cracking with the immense pain in her throat. She hiccuped and sat on the floor beside the bed, her eyes reddening, her body trembling.
She longed to hold him, to pour out her heart. The thought of hearing his voice filled her with both joy and sorrow, knowing her wait was far from over.
A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts, but she didn't move. Rafia entered, quietly closing the door behind her, and rushed to her side.
"Halima... meri jaan, kya hua hai? Kyu ro rahi ho?" she asked, and Halima looked at her with tear-filled eyes.
(Halima... my dear, what happened? Why are you crying?)
Rafia embraced her tightly, and Halima sobbed, "Mai kisi ki jaan nahi ho, Rafi. Mujhe 'jaan' mat kehna. Ab nafrat ho rahi hai is lafz se."
(I'm no one's 'jaan' Rafi. Don't call me that anymore. I'm starting to hate that word.)
She hiccuped and continued, "Aap ko pata hai, ek ek din gin rahi hun ki wo ab aaye. Par unhe meri fikr nahi hai. Wo bohot kharab hain. Mai unse baat nahi karungi ab. Wo keh rahe the unhe mere bina saans nahi aati, par mujhe lagta hai dheere dheere mera dam nikal raha hai. Mujhe kuch nahi chahiye, bass unko keh do aajaye. Wo jaha chahenge, mai waha chalungi. Mujhe nahi rehna akele. Mujhe unse nafrat hai, unko keh do aajayien."
(I'm counting each day for him to come, but he doesn't care about me. He's so cruel. I won't talk to him anymore. He said he couldn't breathe without me, but it feels like I'm suffocating bit by bit. I don't want anything-just tell him to come. I'll go wherever he wants. I don't want to be alone. Tell him I hate him. Tell him to come.)
Rafia's own tears fell as she sat in front of her, gently cupping Halima's face, wiping her tears. "Chup... Ek dum chup, pagal ladki."
(Hush... Be quiet, you silly girl.)
Halima tried to stop crying, hiccupping as she nodded, looking almost like a child with her flushed face, teary eyes, and pouting lips.
"Nafrat karti ho mere devar se?" Rafia asked, and Halima nodded emphatically. This time, Rafia laughed through her tears.
(You hate my brother-in-law?)
Halima's eyes widened at her laugh, and she pushed Rafia in playful anger, getting up to head toward the bed, but stopped at Rafia's words.
"Mujhe nahi pata ye kaise hua hai, par nafrat nahi, mohabbat ho gayi hai tumhe. Wo bhi Shiddat wali." Rafia said with a smile, ruffling her hair.
(I don't know how it happened, but it's not hatred-you've fallen in love with him. Deep, intense love.)
Halima turned to look at Rafia, who was now heading to the door. As she opened it, Rafia added, "Yaad rahe, fajar ke waqt aajana. Aapke miyan bhi bohot betaab hain aapse baat karne ke liye."
(Remember, come at dawn. Your husband is just as eager to talk to you.)
It was evening, and Rafia's parents urged her to stay the night, but she politely refused, explaining that her in-laws would be out of town for two days. "I have to take care of everything at the Haveli tomorrow," she said, determined. Halima took this as her chance for some peace.
Bidding them goodbye, she retreated to her room, weary but unable to sleep. She closed her eyes, her thoughts drifting back to their heated moment at the dera, an innocent smile gracing her lips.
Thinking of him, she finally dozed off, only to wake suddenly at the call for prayer. She got up, heading to the bathroom. After freshening up, she felt an ache in her abdomen-a reminder that she was on her period.
Heading to the kitchen, she poured herself a glass of warm water and drank it quietly. No one else was awake yet. Deciding she'd be back in half an hour, she grabbed her sweater and shawl. Her eyes fell on his shawl; on impulse, she picked it up, holding it close and inhaling the lingering scent of his itra. She had avoided washing it, and the memory made her laugh softly at her own foolishness before tucking it back.
She slipped out of the house with torch and hurried toward the Haveli, even breaking into a run at times, fearing both the watchful eyes of others and the stray dogs and cows along the way.
Upon entering the Haveli, the servants looked at her with surprise. She ignored their stares and approached one of them, asking for Rafia, who, she was told, was in the kitchen.
Rafia saw her, embraced her warmly, and led her to the study, where the telephone was kept. She opened the diary, flipping through the pages to find his number.
Once she dialed, Rafia handed her the handset. Halima's heart raced as she listened to the ringing tone, her excitement building.
The line rang several times, and her smile faded when no one picked up. She glanced at Rafia, who gave her a reassuring smile and was about to redial when the phone rang in return. Rafia quickly pressed the button and gave Halima an encouraging smile.
Halima swallowed, pressing the handset tightly to her ear as Rafia gestured that she would give her privacy and left the room.
She remained silent for a few moments, hoping he would speak first. Then she heard his familiar voice.
"Assalamualaikum..."
She didn't speak, closing her eyes as she listened to his greeting. Tears slipped down her cheeks, but her heart felt a sense of ease. The flowers in her heart, once wilting and losing their fragrance, began to bloom anew. Suddenly, all her thoughts came to a halt. This was everything she needed; this was all she wanted.
She wanted him-his presence, his voice, his laughter-only him.
And then, once more, she heard his Soft voice.
"Koi amal ude kisi Qulsum se,
Ras bhare mere virane par.
Koi jagta ho, koi uthta ho,
Mere derr se wapas aane par."
She breathed heavily, hearing his words and she imagined him smiling as he continued.
"Koi saans bhare mere pehlu mein,Koi haath dhare mere shaane par.Dabe dabe lehze mein kahe,"Tumne ab tak bohot dard sahe.
She Finally spoke,"Please...Come back.."her voice broke,now it was her turn to hear his heavy breaths as he heard her Sweet voice and he spoke again to finish what he had started.
"Tum tanha tanha jalte rahe,
Tum tanha tanha chalte rahe.
Suno, tanha chalna koi khel nahi hai,Chalo, aao mere humraah par chalo.
Chalo naye safar par chalte hain,Mujhe bana ke gawah chalo."
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